Are we products of our environment or products of other people expectations?

   I decided not to respond directly to his latest protest of his innocence. Instead, I asked a question: "Do you think we're all just products of our environments?" His smile dissolved into a smirk, with the left side of his face resting at ease.
  
   "I think so, or maybe products of our expectations."
   
   "Others' expectations of us or our expectations for ourselves?"
  
   "I mean others' expectations that you take on as your own."
  
   I realized then how difficult it is to separate the two. The expectations that others place on us form our expectations of ourselves.

   "We all do what others expect of us," Wes said. "If they expect us to graduate, we will graduate. If they expect us to get a job, we will get a job. If they expect us to go to jail, then that's where we will end up too. At some point you lose control."
 
   I sympathized with him, but I recoiled from his ability to shed responsibility seamlessly and drape it at the feet of others.

   "True, but it's easy to lose control when you were never looking for it in the first place."

   An hour later, our time was up, and he was escorted out as quickly as he entered. I sat in the room alone, collecting my thoughts. I had more questions than I came in with.

-excerpt from The Other Wes Moore

 

So are we products of environments or of other people's expectations? The better question that begs to be asked is at what point does the responsibility become our own?

It is evident to some extent that we take on the ideal life that others have for us. I've heard so many times, "Make sure you finish up and get your degree, because no one can take that away from you." It had me thinking, is this really something that I am doing for myself. I mean really, is the life I'm living my own, or am I just a vessel that people vicariously live, dream and draw their fantasies through.

But then we have our environment. Are we products of that? Instead, shouldn't our environment be products of what we make of it and not the other way around. Sadly, enough our communities whispers in our ear the commands of destruction that leads us down the road of hopelessness and despair. It leads us to the cemeteries and jails.

Here is my take. Are we a product of our environment? Possibly. But more so we are a victim of our circumstances. But then again, we are not all victims either, because there is really no rule that says that to be a product of your environment has to be negative. Instead, we are products of our actions.

The same rings true with expectations. Whether good or bad, we become subject to expectations placed on us. But again, we are not just a product of our expectations; instead, we are the result of what we do in the wake of these expectations.

Recently, I had a conversation with my cousin who said he wanted to go to the army because he wasn't smart enough for college. He didn't  say he didn't "want" to go to college due to his wants, but because he felt he was inadequate. So, this brings about the bigger problem. Many of us are the products of our own expectations and our own environments that swirls around in our heads and we stop believing.

Eventually, it comes down to do we believe in ourselves? Do we want to fight? Are we going to succumb? As mentioned in Gladwell's David and Goliath is being the underdog really a disadvantage? Coming from a place where we have to fight to get out may be our best weapon; it just might help us reach those great expectations.

God Bless
 

Newfound Family

One of my favorite songs is "Family Reunion" by the O' Jays. "If grandpa was here, I know he'd be smiling from ear to ear...". This holiday season I was reminded of the importance of family as I had the opportunity of meeting some of my relatives for the first time in Vicksburg, Mississippi. When my grandparents moved to California from Mississippi, a lot was left behind. I realized that my family in Los Angeles was disconnected from cousins, uncles and aunts from Mississippi, and they do not know who most of their first cousins are, let alone the family history.

When I went Mississippi I was embraced as if they'd known me all of my life. It was a warm feeling. I learned a lot about my grandfather who passed when I was just a baby. But more interestingly, I was able to take a look at our family tree and saw how extensive it was. I saw pictures of my great-great grandfather who was white and was told of my great-great grandmother who was Indian. Their son, my great grand father, married my great grandmother who was black, and along came my grandfather.

What shocked me was that my grandfather's slot on the family tree wasn't marked yet (which highlighted the disconnect) and I was able to provide that information to be filled in. I've met several members of my family throughout the country and I feel like a piece of me is being added back.

But the main thing that I appreciated was the conversations and the stories. That is one thing that the genealogy sites can't provide - the accounts and experiences of my family growing up. I encourage everyone to just talk to your family members. Learn their stories, embrace their experiences and ask questions.

On both sides of the family, I have been able to discover some richness in my family lineage and I am on a quest to learn more.

Talk to your Grandparents, spend time with great aunts and uncles and ask questions. Take it as an opportunity to learn before it is too late.

Control: "If I can stop you from thinking..."

Yesterday, I was at the restaurant talking to “old money” before we went to watch Kobe’s return at the Staples. (Yes, I’m bragging a little bit about the game lol, but bad result though). I say “old money” because he has been in the game for years as a businessman and entrepreneur and has been a newfound mentor to me. At the table, alongside another friend of mine, we were talking government, big business and unions and I learned a long time ago that when you start talking politics and money, the best thing that you can do is listen. So, that is what I did.

I learned some very valuable information, heard some interesting stories and gained some intriguing insight. But the nugget that I took from the whole dinner was when I heard “if I can stop you from thinking, then I control you.”

That was all that I needed to hear. That is why Mindset: Awareness and Action was so important for me to write.

Control is to render someone powerless, and the powerful tool that we possess is not weapons or money, or fame. It is our power to think. To control our ability to think is like having a vice grip on our lives.

I notice that the innovations and inventions of many corporations are to simplify things to make our lives easier, but when we take a step back and analyze what is really going on can we conclude that these are, solely, altruistic acts to better our lives? There becomes a fine line because in actuality, making something more simplistic and easier is a control mechanism that in actuality controls our lives.

When we are not tested, we become dependent. If we don’t learn how to cook, we become dependent on fast food establishments and restaurants. When we do not learn how to change a tire, we become dependent on the auto mechanic. If we don’t learn how to navigate, we become dependent on GPS. So in the end what is the price we pay for convenience? It’s control. If they stop us from thinking, they control us. It is as if we are allowing ourselves to wear a training collar to tell us how to react, where to go and what to do.

I was informed about a man by the name of Edward Bernays, dubbed the “father of public relations”, by another mentor of mine, and began to understand the true power of manipulation. Touch a specific part of a person’s “need” and they can easily become your subject. That is what we have become as a society; a subject to the manipulation and persuasion of those that hold the key.

Think about this, “if I can stop you from thinking, then I control you.” When you think, when you have an opinion or when have something to say it causes conflict. It causes change. Our communities don’t change because the people within are not thinking. We are being controlled and in essence we are losing our freedom.

 

God Bless

Money and Fame

I have heard people say many times that it is not about the money or fame, but instead that it is about love, compassion, peace, changing lives, etc. But is that really the case? We live in a superficial society where social acceptance seems to take the place of many things that we claim to be more important. Same also applies to money. If fame and money are not that important, then why do you make it that important? Many decisions that we make (or don’t make) are based on money. We spend our lives looking for acceptance and to be noticed. Is that not wanting fame itself, just on a smaller scale?

 

Money is not important…

 

…but we are always trying to get more

…but we let it deter us from fulfilling our lives

…but we allow it to break up our marriages

…but we allow it to damage our friendships

…but it is necessary to survive

…but we are taught to find someone who can provide

…but we don’t want to spend it on other people

…but we clamp on to it and hold it tightly

 

I’m going to tell you why money is important, and it is all laid out in this little excerpt I read “In the end, the time we spend on this planet equals life. Most people would agree that a human life is sacred and carries higher value than almost anything else on earth. Since we trade our time – our very lives – for money or capital, I conclude that capital equals life. If that is the case, then capital, like life, is sacred and should be treated as such.”

 

It is important because we trade all of our time for the almighty dollar.

 

Fame is not important…

 

…but we share our every moment on Facebook

…but we do the same on twitter, pinterest, instagram, youtube

…but we look for acceptance from others

…doctor ourselves up to get noticed

 

The list can go on and on.

 

I think it is safe to say that money and fame are important in our daily lives due to the amount of emphasis that we place on both of them. I like money (enjoy making it, spending it, etc.) and a little notoriety, but the important thing is to not let it control our lives.

 

I believe that we should accept the role that these things have in our lives while having the understanding not to let it be the driving force in our lives. Some people like the spotlight and some people love the “dough”, however, it is how you handle them that is really important.

Why are we ashamed of our greatness?

Last Friday, I had the privilege of speaking at an awards ceremony for a local charter school in the greater Atlanta area. After I had spoken, during which the students were receiving their awards, I noticed something that bothered me. The students didn’t want to come up on stage to get their awards, and when they did come up they either turned around and walked back down the stairs or they walked sluggishly across stage, embarrassed as if they had done something wrong. The other students teased and laughed at the other students who were recognized for their good deeds.

But were these students doing something wrong? By the standards of their environment, yes. It wasn’t cool. Acceptance came with being the brashest and the “hardest” student. My thought was, “what was even the point in them going to school.” I felt as if I was in a real-life Lean on Me movie.

A few facts: the school is an all boys school, in the heart of the Bankhead community. The school is 98% African-American and many of the students come from low-income families.

After this disturbing sight, I asked the principal if I could say but just a few more words, and I began to talk about showing pride when someone is recognizing their greatness instead of running from it. I talked about taking ownership of their stage and walking with head up. I spoke on competing with each other to be better, and not competing against each other to bring down. From the looks of the audience, I truly felt as if the message resonated until a few minutes later when I sat back down, I saw one of the recipients get up, take off his medal, and square up to fight another student.

I thought to myself that it is funny that we live in a society where we are ashamed of our greatness but are not ashamed to display our ignorance.

So, then I ask, “Why are we afraid of our greatness?” Is it because we are surrounded by a lot of destroyers in our lives and not builders? Is it because there is too much pressure on being great? Are we not just doing a good enough job as parents, teachers, and citizens of our communities to stop this way of thinking?

Regardless of the reason, it is a sad sight to see. I worry about our children, especially my African-American children, who are blinded from their greatness.

 

For all people who are hiding in the shadows of despair, inferiority and ignorance, let us appear out of the darkness and show our greatness. We all have it in us.

 

God Bless

Why are you not the go-to person?

It is funny how conversations with people can have you asking yourself questions on an even deeper level when the conversation is over. Well this happens to me quite often where as I am either questioning myself or pondering the reasons for other people's actions.

We all know and can agree that it is human nature to either start a conversation or eventually turn a conversation into one about someone else. Right? - the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the coworker, the superstar etc. So, it was not too far from this statement that I was involved in a conversation in which another person was the topic of discussion. This talk was no different from many other talks that I had on occasions where as people feel like they are always playing the role of counselor, bank, advisor, minister, cheerleader, shoulder to cry on or whatever else you can think of mentioning.

But if you are not this person, have you ever asked yourself why? Have you ever asked yourself why you are not the person that people call to pick up from the airport? Have you ever asked why people don't share their most intimate secrets with you? Have you asked why you do not play some of the most important roles in people lives? You may consider it a blessing that you weren't asked to pick someone up from the airport or that you weren't called when someone was going through something. It may just be saying more about you than you think. You may not be as dependable as you believe you are in the eyes of others. You may show more that you dont care than you do. If you ask yourself these questions, maybe then you will understand why you are considered destructive to someone's team and not constructive.

Why am I not moving up at my job? Why don't they give me the important projects? These questions may be the just the answers that you need to reflect on your own life.

Instead of raising deflective questions, you should start asking reflective questions. Am I dependable? Am I punctual? Do I care? Do I work hard?

This post may not matter to some, but it should matter to all. We can't be everyone's everything for every moment. You shouldn't allow yourself to be taken advantage of, but take this moment to ask yourself, "what does it say about me" when people don't come to you.

Give me your thoughts.

God Bless

Harnessing that Energy

How many of you are people watchers? I can admit (as many can) that I enjoy sitting back and watching, listening, and paying attention to people. Sometimes, you catch people in their innocent, natural states; and other times, you may observe someone putting on an act. But if you pay careful attention, you will understand that there is a lot to be learned about people; or maybe even yourself and life. You can understand why people are where they are in life or why you may not be succeeding in your own life.

If you pay attention to the people around you, will notice that there is a lot of time and energy being wasted. As matter of fact, on average we waste more of our time being unproductive than productive. We spend more time worrying about what other people are doing, than doing the things that we need to do.

Imagine where we would be if we used the time to rant and release our frustrations on FB as an opportunity to channel that energy into something productive, creative, or beneficial. Where would we be if we harnessed the energy that is wasted worrying about why other people are successful, and in turn spend it on taking steps to experience our on successes. Where would be in life if, instead of marveling at other people's talents, we used that time and energy to perfect our own crafts and hone in our own skills.

When we waste our energy on things that do not deserve our energy, we drain ourselves and are stuck with a dead battery.

I know how I feel when I waste energy on things that are not worthy of it. And when energy is wasted it is gone along with the time and opportunity that accompany it.

Harness that energy and use it for something good. You will definitely see the difference in your life.

God Bless